Tuesday, November 22, 2011


As the election campaign enters its final few days, we asked a panel of expert commentators to reflect on the key points of the campaign so far. Here is a transcript of the debate, which was chaired by veteran broadcaster Rory O'Really.

O'Really: Well, let's get straight into it, shall we? On my left I have the exciting young blogger Vlad Lenin, who has been breaking new ground with his blog Trained Seal. Vlad, you're on record as saying that Labour's capital gains tax policy was a game-changer. Would you like to elaborate on that?

Lenin: The changing of the game is an essential component of the expropriation of the propertied classes, but only under the leadership of a revolutionary vanguard. The deviationist elements must be ruthlessly eliminated. Parekura Horomia has to go too, no question about that.

O'Really: Well, you could be onto something there, Vlad. Let's—

Lenin: And that's Sealed Train, not Trained Seal.

O'Really: Oh really? Good to get that cleared up. Let's hear now from TV1 political editor Jean-Paul Sartre. J-P, do you think the tea-tape controversy was a game-changer for Winston Peters?

Sartre: Existence itself is a game-changer. To paraphrase Descartes, I exist, therefore I change my game. Man makes his own being, but what lies between being and nothingness? I think that is a question for Don Brash. Oh, by the way, hell is other people.

O'Really: Allen Ginsberg, I'd like to bring you in here.

Ginsberg: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked—and man, that was a total game-changer.

O'Really: Right. For a wider perspective I'm going to ask Elizabeth Windsor to come in on this one. Liz, you've seen a few game-changers in your time, haven't you?

Windsor: My husband and I wish all peoples of the Commonwealth the very best in changing their game, and have a lovely Christmas too, with lots of prezzies woof woof.

O'Really: Nice touch. Now—

Lenin: We have said that there could not have been Social-Democratic consciousness among the workers. It would have to be brought to them from without. I don't know how many times I have to say this. Are you people stupid or what?

O'Really: Yes. Well, moving on, we've got Conrad Murray, direct from the Los Angeles County Jail. Conrad, what's your take on the Green vote as a game-changer?

Murray: Anyone can change their game, any time. I recommend propofol, lidocaine, ativan, valium and a spot of ephedrine—just a soupçon, really. Use as directed by your medical practitioner. Or not, as the case may be.

Windsor: Could I say something about world peace here?

O'Really: No, fuck off. We're almost out of time, but I'd just like to ask Vlad if he regards last night's TV3 debate between John Key and Phil Goff as a game-changer.

Lenin: Sorry, I was watching Shortland Street. That Brooke—what a woman! Phwarrr! I'd go to the barricades for her any time.

Sartre: Has anyone seen my pipe?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

League tea tape call

A summit meeting of Arab League leaders in Morocco has called for the release of the secret recording of the conversation between John Key and John Banks.

In a special communique the leaders say the present impasse is endangering hopes of progress towards free speech and democracy and stuff.

Qatar's prime minister, Sheikh Hamad bin Jassem al-Thani, says it has been distressing to watch Mr Key hoist himself on his own petard.

He told reporters the Arab League cannot rest easy while a major international leader pisses in his own pocket.

International experts say self-petard-hoisting is a form of torture akin to waterboarding and can be extremely painful, especially if the pocket is pissed in at the same time.

In a related development, league secretary-general Amr Mohammed Moussa says he was disturbed to hear that National Party president Peter Goodfellow had pulled out of a Morning Report interview after earlier agreeing to appear on the program.

'I know him,' said Mr Moussa. 'He's a good fellow. These are troubling times.'

The Arab League says tea should always be drunk in moderation.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Key tea vow

The dashing young New Zealand prime minister John Key told a news conference this morning that he knows he has a problem with tea, but he's vowing to give up drinking it and to get his election campaign back on track.

Mr Key says he doesn't remember exactly what happened when he had a cup of tea with Act candidate John Banks but he knows it was not the behaviour expected of a professional politician.

'I have to accept that tea and myself don't mix,' Mr Key says. 'It switches something inside my head. I think I've got it under control and then things just get out of hand.'

It's alleged Mr Key ran into an Auckland café naked and attempted to have sex with Mr Banks while drinking copious quantities of tea.

The gifted politician with the boyish smile admits the occasion was 'a bit of a blur.'

'I thought John was Liz Hurley,' he confesses. 'It's a mistake anyone could have made.'

Health experts blame New Zealand's rampant go-on-have-another-cuppa-another-one-won't-harm-you tea-bingeing culture and say public figures must do more to promote responsible tea-drinking. Choysa has withdrawn its bid to sponsor the All Blacks at the next Rugby World Cup.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

PM in daring raid

Defence chiefs were tight-lipped today about whether there will be a repeat of this morning's daring incursion by Prime Minister John Key into Radio New Zealand's Morning Report studio.

With SAS backup Mr Key was parachuted into the studio on a mission to take out three RNZ interviewers, identified only as 'Marx,' 'Lenin' and 'Trotsky.'

It's understood the mission—codenamed Operation Hot Mic—was months in the planning, amid fears that Mr Key would be exposed to hostile action in uncharted territory.

Defence Force spokesperson Lieutenant-Sergeant Bing Bang said the PM had had intensive combat training on the basis that anything could happen in an unscripted three-on-one interrogation-type scenario involving radical extremist warlord hacks capable at any given moment of asking reasonable questions.

Showing incredible courage in boldly going where no leader of comparable stature has gone before, Mr Key accomplished his target objectives in the teeth of sustained attack and left the studio a smoking ruin.

The mission has been pronounced a success. 'That's SUK'SEHS,' said Lt-Sgt Bang, pronouncing it.