Key tea vow

The dashing young New Zealand prime minister John Key told a news conference this morning that he knows he has a problem with tea, but he's vowing to give up drinking it and to get his election campaign back on track.

Mr Key says he doesn't remember exactly what happened when he had a cup of tea with Act candidate John Banks but he knows it was not the behaviour expected of a professional politician.

'I have to accept that tea and myself don't mix,' Mr Key says. 'It switches something inside my head. I think I've got it under control and then things just get out of hand.'

It's alleged Mr Key ran into an Auckland café naked and attempted to have sex with Mr Banks while drinking copious quantities of tea.

The gifted politician with the boyish smile admits the occasion was 'a bit of a blur.'

'I thought John was Liz Hurley,' he confesses. 'It's a mistake anyone could have made.'

Health experts blame New Zealand's rampant go-on-have-another-cuppa-another-one-won't-harm-you tea-bingeing culture and say public figures must do more to promote responsible tea-drinking. Choysa has withdrawn its bid to sponsor the All Blacks at the next Rugby World Cup.

PM in daring raid

Defence chiefs were tight-lipped today about whether there will be a repeat of this morning's daring incursion by Prime Minister John Key into Radio New Zealand's Morning Report studio.

With SAS backup Mr Key was parachuted into the studio on a mission to take out three RNZ interviewers, identified only as 'Marx,' 'Lenin' and 'Trotsky.'

It's understood the mission—codenamed Operation Hot Mic—was months in the planning, amid fears that Mr Key would be exposed to hostile action in uncharted territory.

Defence Force spokesperson Lieutenant-Sergeant Bing Bang said the PM had had intensive combat training on the basis that anything could happen in an unscripted three-on-one interrogation-type scenario involving radical extremist warlord hacks capable at any given moment of asking reasonable questions.

Showing incredible courage in boldly going where no leader of comparable stature has gone before, Mr Key accomplished his target objectives in the teeth of sustained attack and left the studio a smoking ruin.

The mission has been pronounced a success. 'That's SUK'SEHS,' said Lt-Sgt Bang, pronouncing it.

Save the ships

Locals at a remote bay on the East Cape have rallied to save a pod of container ships that have come ashore and flung themselves onto the rocks.

At least seven ships have beached at Brownlee Bay and desperate attempts are being made to get them back out to sea.

The people of Brownlee Bay have formed chains and are pouring buckets of water over the container ships to keep them hydrated.

"We're hoping to refloat them at high tide," says local man Chuck Iti, "but it's touch and go. Some of these fellas have just about had it."

As he spoke, one of the container ships sank even further into the sand and gave a faint toot of its foghorn before falling silent again.

There appears to be no single reason for ship strandings but DoC spokesperson Woody Ballance says it may be a seasonal thing connected with tidal currents and changes in the Earth's magnetic field.

Another theory is that this particular pod has lost its way from its traditional breeding ground in the sheltered waters of Liberia.

Mr Ballance says it's important to save them because one day container ships may be extinct and then we'll all be very, very sorry.

Into their own hands

The 'authorities' tell Bay of Plenty people not to go on the beaches and try to clean up the oil deposited there by the leaking Rena. You won't do it properly, they say; leave it to us, the experts, to do it in our own way in our own time.

Yet dozens of citizens are still going onto the beaches and scooping up blobs and globules of oil themselves. I link this repudiation of authority to Pike River and even to the Christchurch earthquake. Since the mine disaster, especially, the credibility of the 'authorities' has collapsed. They said there that they would do things their own way in their own time, and that they had the expertise and the knowhow. Yeah right. No wonder the people of Tauranga and Papamoa are taking matters into (literally) their own hands.

In a wider context, one might also consider the view taken of authority by the peoples of Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Yemen and Syria—not to mention those currently occupying the streets of New York's financial district.

Ring them bells

Bells are being rung in Auckland today as the first Rugby World Cup chickens come home to roost.

These graceful migratory birds have taken more than two years to get here. Veteran birdwatchers say their arrival could have been predicted from the day Murray McCully was made Rugby World Cup Minister.

On the Auckland waterfront, crowds gathered to see thousands of chickens landing on Mr McCully's head and shoulders.

They will stay there for some time to come, along with the albatross already around his neck.

In some cultures the chicken is considered a bird of ill omen.

An anthem for our times

On the eve of one of the most momentous events in New Zealand history, it seems right to pause, reflect and—yes—pray for the men about to go into action, bearing the hopes and dreams of a nation on their shoulders. I know that tonight, and indeed every night while the Rugby World Cup is on, men and women will gather and pray to whatever gods may be for the safe return of our boys, bearing the necessary silverware. Around many a humble hearth tonight, hands will be joined and voices raised in songs of acclamation. But what will they sing? The words of our national anthem, though rich in lyric resonance, don't seem quite appropriate for the occasion. Humbly, as just one New Zealander wishing to play his part, however small, in the quest for imperishable glory, I offer this new version.

God of Nations, if you're there,
Now's the time to show you care.
Hear our Rugby World Cup prayer:
God defend our All Blacks.
Keep them safe from injuries,
Guard their hamstrings and their knees.
Till the final's over, please,
God defend our All Blacks.

Men of every other team
Think that they can steal our dream.
Help us prove that we're supreme:
God defend our All Blacks.
Put more power in Carter's boot,
Make our scrum beyond dispute,
May our tactics be astute
In the forwards and the backs.

God of Nations, get this straight:
Failure we just will not tolerate.
If you really are our mate,
End this 24-year wait.
Help the ABs go for broke
Or they'll be a worldwide joke.
If you're such a decent bloke,
God forbid the All Blacks choke.

Amen.

Happy Phil

The nation's eyes were on the Southern Ocean today when Labour leader Phil Goff was given back his freedom and released into the sea.

Thousands of New Zealanders have taken this plucky little chap to their hearts since he was found stranded at the top of the Labour Party.

Bewildered and lost, he kept making flapping motions that—scientists say—were a desperate attempt to get people's attention.

Dubbed 'Happy Phil' because of his fixed smile, he survived for months on a diet of dead rats.

But his keepers inside the party were growing increasingly concerned about him.

When they said it was time for him to go, the navy came to the rescue.

The frigate Helen's Legacy weighed anchor at 51 degrees south earlier today and Happy Phil was brought on deck.

Though a little reluctant to go at first, he was soon walking along a specially designed plank, helped by a few encouraging nudges from keepers equipped with long poles.

A final prod, a last smile, a splash—and he was free.

'It is a far, far better place he has gone to,' said skipper Captain Ahab Cunliffe.

Happy Phil has been fitted with a GPS tracking device so we can all follow his progress. First he went left, then right, then left again before doubling back on his tracks, then standing on his head. Scientists say he may never be the same again.

The Helen's Legacy was last seen wallowing in heavy seas, with a terrible list.