4,000 years on

NEWS ITEM: BEIJING, 14 SEPTEMBER 2410

Archaeologists excavating a remote South Pacific site
believe they have found evidence of a primitive culture
that apparently flourished four millennia ago.

After sifting painstakingly down through several layers
of fossils and ruined artefacts they have found what they
believe to be parts of a burnt couch.

‘This is very exciting,’ said chief archaeologist José Maria
Putin. ‘There are legends of an ancient couch-burning
culture in this part of the world and our discovery
appears to confirm that it really existed.’

Professor Putin explained that 4,000 years ago a city
occupied the site, which is now part of a wilderness park,
and the couch-burner people possibly ruled the city for a
brief period of time before being overthrown. Though
not very intellectually advanced, they exerted a major
influence on neighbouring tribes by means of their
seasonal rituals, which usually took place after dark to
the accompaniment of strange wolfish cries.

'From what we can tell,' reasoned Professor Putin, 'they
burnt couches—of which they had an inexhaustible
supply—to appease the gods and to reassert their
territorial claims.

‘We have also found a number of tiny rectangular objects
with keypads,’ he added. ‘This may have been their way
of communicating with each other, apart of course from
grunts and howls.’

The archaeological dig will continue for a further six
months in the hope of finding traces of higher life forms.