Poly put the mettle on

Thanks to a reliable source inside the All Blacks’ camp
this blog can be the first to reveal that the streamlined
polyurethane suits in which the ABs have been secretly
training for months are ready for their first public
outing, so the Springboks, the Wallabies, match officials
and indeed innocent bystanders had better watch out.
Tests show that an All Black forward wearing one of
these suits can get to the breakdown .2 of a second faster
than a player in an old-style strip, and consequently be
penalized for an infringement all the quicker. The time
saved on each of these occasions will of course accumulate
as the game goes on, and prove invaluable in the 79th
minute, when you’re 31-19 down and every extra second
counts. An All Black winger outfitted in the slick new gear
—notable for its reduced wind resistance, acid-free texture
and enhanced thermodynamic traction—can now, when
the ball is passed to him, fumble it a full half-second
earlier than he otherwise would, thus confusing the
opposing tackler long enough to get a quick breather
before the subsequent scrum, their put-in. All Blacks
coach Graham Henry is predicting that several world
records will be broken during the next Tri-Nations match,
including, if it’s wet, the 200m butterfly.